More Than Just A Name

rawrrr. i’m so tired of getting hassled by my mom every week about going to church.  if i don’t WANT to i’m not going to fucking go, and the more i get pissed off about it the more likely i’m NOT going to go. if i went only cuz she’s nagging me all the time i’d just go there, sit there all pissed off, not give a shit about what’s going on and leave pissed off and feel like i wasted my time. she was all like, ‘is that the way i raised you’, no it isn’t but it sure as hell is the way my dad acts so she can blame him for how we turned out if she doesn’t like it.

i guess it’s just the personality i have, the more i’m forced into something i don’t want to do the more i start hating it, like piano, tennis, church.  it’s taken me years to get over not wanting to play piano any more… i never really recovered from tennis either, back in high school i had a breakdown when it was tennis week in PE, my teachers let me skip out on tennis and just workout in the weight room instead.

i keep telling myself that i’ll be the one who doesn’t cut them off the moment i can…but it’s getting increasingly difficult to convince my self to keep thinking that.

i suppose it’s a weakness i have, being unable to to separate my emotions and not getting what i want.  there’s such a strong tie between my anger and my mental health, and not in a good way either. the most i can do right now is just try and not bust out and tell them that those 5-6 years i was all fucked up and trying to end myself was because they always made me so angry.

i try not and let them know i’m angry at them, mostly cuz it would do any good regardless.  for years i’ve just been putting on a show to make them not worry about how i’m doing, especially since they’re always worrying about my brothers and stuff, which in turn puts the ‘more responsible’ title on me *psh*…but that all backfires because i’m the ‘more responsible one’ with less freedom to chose what i want to do and that sends me into another raging fit.

…i thought i was free when i got into college…just to find out i’m not free until i walk down the aisle, when they can pass of the reins to someone else apparently… because as a girl i’m never fully responsible for my own life.

i don’t know which one’s worse… back in hs when i would get pissed off almost everyday but my friends were pretty much always free to be with and were near-by all the time, or now when it’s only weekly but everyone is busy and so far away…

well… i guess here at least i can cry without them getting in my business and getting all mad at me for crying… because apparently i have no reason to be upset at anything and crying just makes them mad…